Sitting in the darkness eager for the light my heart beating a syncopated rhythm desire to fly overcomes my soul the shackles of fear keep me tied down struggling against the status quo my mind, my heart, my soul cry out LET ME GO and I wonder sitting in the darkness is there even light or just a mirage heaviness envelopes me flying seems like it’s a lie a fantasy sold to me by charlatans and yet my inner voice screams LET ME GO thoughts rattle in the darkness fears scrape in the shadows hope, faith, trust cower in the corners reaching out they try to shine pain, mistakes, recrimination lurk my dreams and desires and designs call out LET ME GO Trapped inside my head anxiety begets depression begets anxiety begets depression …. the cycle never ending the only form of flow I know inside I’m crying out, trying to break free LET ME GO
Woke up feeling trapped, and just majorly stuck in a cycle of physical and mental health dilemmas and I just want a major change, a way to break free. It feels good to express that feeling with poetry, oddly that feels like at least some progress.
For those that don’t know #oneshotpoetry I write free flow and do not edit what you see is what comes out raw. I do that so that I don’t overthink it or destroy it’s original intent. It’s one way to silence the inner critic and get to the heart of any true feeling.
From a FB post last year – I almost didn’t share. I am trying to write “a thing” every day. A story, poem, non superficial thoughts, and I heard myself think it’s not very good, felt nearly fear and shame at the thought of people seeing it and realized it’s one of my monsters I need to slay. A story I need to untell…. So I had shared it in my private #thewayofyourinnervoicegroup originally, so now it’s time to be a little less scared and share here. Also I have not written a post in 10 days TEN days…it has been some rough times. Partly because I’ve started to come back to the world and do my work and it’s harder than I imagined. So this is still all I have for now. A rehash but still so relevant
From a Facebook post from – Feb 2 2021 in our “The Way of Your Inner Voice” group, this was written during the very first go of “The Artist’s Way”. I think I’ve been here before, but I always panic and re-lock the door. This time I am not running away. I’m still trying to break free, still pushing on that door, battling all the blocks. Here’s what I wrote on the post – I’m remembering now that writing them is easy the work is the sharing. Because at the end of the day that’s what this is all about, being actually seen and heard. What are you holding in that needs to get expressed? Perhaps your Inner Voice is calling to you as well?
Come out and Play – one shot poem written Feb 2021
There is a knocking
Inside my head
At first just a rapping
A gentle tapping
grows more insistent
Each passing day
a sense of wonder
trapped inside a box
Buried under fears
wrapped in layers of shame
it grows louder though
more insistent, consistent
let me out to play
becoming a banging
begging for attention
a chance to spread
I try to keep it closed
It’s very wild and
It always wants to play
It isn’t very grown-up
And others say it’s wrong
But if this racket keeps up
My wall, my resolve
may not stay as strong
I wonder what will happen
If I let it out to play
Alexander Milov’s sculpture, Love, appeared in the 2015 Burning Man festival and is so much an image that makes me think of our Inner Voice work and this ongoing struggle to know and let the real and best me out to live, love, work, and most importantly….PLAY!
If you want to heal your soul
threaten the status quo
TW: I am a recovering catholic. I do not mince words when it comes to the harm that I feel the church inflicted upon me as a child with my parents as willing participants. If you have a love of the church I’d just avoid my blog.
I have come to forgive my parents and some of the people involved in the soul-crushing that occurred to me during my eight years of catholic school and the thousands of hours of guilt-laden, fear-driven, terror-inducing instruction and messages I received in that institution. I am always endeavoring to accept those that still have faith and still support the church, but it isn’t always easy. It’s like watching your friends forgive your abuser and it is not for the faint of heart. I think the church should pay for my therapy and medication that’s how culpable it is in the mental anguish I struggle with every day. I am just now beginning to unravel the damage and I hope someday to scream punk rock versions of my feels. My FAULTY EARTH SUITS band name is ready for the right people to make my punk dreams come true 😀
What a fucking Lie
The church, what a fucking joke the first in duplicity saying they are there to save our souls but their aim is to grind our bones into the paste of mediocrity into something safe for them and their mountains of fear
Don’t think that Don’t learn that Don’t feel that Kill the you that you know
The church, what a fucking hell the thing that birthed my anger that rages from the scars and terror the wounds of words at every turn the pain reborn the way they killed our joy beating us into the mediocrity of homogeny
Don’t think that Don’t ask that Don’t dream that Erase your individuality
The church what a fucking game a way to kill your spirit replace it with a god of lies the god of men’s control subjugated to their ways they’ll grind you down make you into a paste to mold into something knowable, controllable
Don’t think that Don’t want that Don’t look at that Destroy the light within
We’ll take your hopes and dreams and teach you that you’re wrong and then we will take your money and expect your worship in return God’s plan for you is dead we killed those parts of you so we could feel safe secure and unthreatened.
You traded our joy for your control and comfort
Don’t think that Don’t be that Don’t become more How dare you be yourself
If you want to heal your soul threaten the status quo
But like a tap on the shoulder… a whisper in my ear…” just start” ….
From a Facebook post Jan 31st 2021 – Again I almost didn’t write. I wasn’t “in the right headspace” But like a tap on the shoulder… a whisper in my ear…” just start” the rules of the road say I don’t worry about quality…just quantity. And I’ll be honest I felt a little raw…(4 hours of improv class will do that) I was “drained”
but I opened up the page and just wrote… POEM. and well … here is another first draft poem
Not necessarily a Disney princess singing to birds type….
Sometimes when I’m doing my Inner Voice Exploration Practice AKA #morningpages Poetry spills out. I’ve spent my whole life being “not a morning person” to the point of almost pride – because owning it was the only way to not let it further damage my self-worth. But the truth is, I’ve always wanted to be one, a morning person. Not necessarily a Disney princess singing to birds type, but at least able to get out of bed not feeling like a zombie and have the drive to do things, any of the things, that I want to do to improve the way I show up in the world. Anywho as I was writing about this struggle the following came out…(I don’t feel it’s my best work, it’s a bit forced but my process means I am committed to acknowledging and sharing my work no matter how I feel about it…it is definitely a PROCESS) I am still working on knowing what experiences are ME and what are byproducts of bipolar mood swings but I’m really hoping that my new found love of my mornings is due to my work and not just some hypomania drive. We will find out over time I guess 😀
Morning breaks creeping slowly across the sky you toss and turn your back there is no joy in the sunrise experience tells us there is pain and so we being each day the same broken, beaten, heavy carrying the weight of yesterdays and all the yesterdays yet to come the ghosts of hurt, loss, injustice cling to your mind and spirit moving slowly we try to brush them off some we are afraid to release the sadness proof of our journey our scars have begun to define us this is no way to learn to fly but we have begun to change little by painstakingly little each new dawn another chance to become something new, ourselves breathing deep, reaching further down shake, cry, stretch, release making mornings sacred healing we shrug and unburden ourselves the dark shadows start to fand we are beginning to look forward not to yesterdays, but to tomorrows to now the power of possibility begins to rise with the sun and we are transformed It’s finally today and today and today we arise new, open, ready, hopeful Welcome Morning what shall we discover today?
This is a “one-shot” poem from Feb. 2021 – I occasionally will go through the process of writing by way of stream of consciousness. No editing except formatting. It’s always interesting to run across them. Sometimes I need to hear what I was feeling. It’s always a bit stunning that you can forget something so deeply. Like, I wouldn’t have even known that I wrote this if I had stumbled across it unlabeled. It’s a pretty deep truth that struggles to stay surfaced. Working on not silencing myself everyday <3
Slowly but surely I could feel things inside me starting to shift. Long lost (suppressed) dreams and feelings came bubbling up.
OK here’s the background lest those that know me see a prayer in here and wonder if I’ve been body-snatched: All of this (my therapy, writing, sharing, pursuing my dreams) is finally happening thanks to “The Artist’s Way” by the good witch Julia Cameron. A small group of friends and I, in January 2021, took a leap and started it together. I built a small group on Facebook and Telegram so that we could share our journey. And every week we would get together and discuss our experiences and progress on Zoom. It was a game-changer.
Slowly but surely I could feel things inside me starting to shift. Long lost (suppressed) dreams and feelings came bubbling up. It wasn’t always easy but something about it worked for me. And the personal progress I have made in the last 18months because of it has been nothing short of amazing. And it worked for others in the group too. It’s their story to tell but it was so gratifying seeing others’ dreams blossom as well.
But the whole time I was personally working against a tiny issue. (spoiler alert it’s not tiny at all for me) “GOD”. You see Julia is a believer and I am most decidedly not. I’ve tried to go the route of “it wasn’t god that hurt me it was just humans in the church” but it didn’t take and I just can’t quite get behind the god idea. Make no mistake though the church messed me up good and that was the beginning of my questioning of the sky father but it was not the end of it.
So part of my process to work through TAW (the artist’s way) Was de-deifying the god talk to something palatable for me. Over time I’ve come to even feel that I don’t really work from a place of “source” either. It’s just another word for god, but I did appreciate my effort and figured I’d save it here for posterity’s sake. Maybe I’ll take it one step further and demystify it completely.
You see, I’m seeking a small mantra of affirmation similar to this that is about my state of mind, not something outside of myself. That’s what brought me back to this project. It’s not quite what I want but it’s a nice starting point. I guess this all makes me an atheist but I prefer the term agnostic because I’m not comfortable with the idea of saying “I KNOW” anything for sure. I feel it’s hubris of the highest order to say we know diddly squat for certain. But that’s a whole other Maury.
This is generally where I get all apologetic to believers…but ya know what? If you believe you are totally allowed to, it’s 100% your business and choice but I’m done apologizing for my beliefs. If you are allowed to believe, I’m allowed not to. I choose to live my life as a decent human regardless of possible rewards and punishments and I choose how to treat others based on compassion that is inherent to my being, that is all. What I realized through this work is I wasn’t extending my compassion to myself and I wasn’t allowing myself to BE ME unapologetically, and that was the missing ingredient. (man I can’t stop my tangents) So this is me shedding my shame about being agnostic. No more dancing around it, it’s not a condemnation of believers it’s just who I am.
ANYWHO I give you the non-denominational prayer to source version of the lord’s prayer (pssst I grew up catholic I’ve read the bible, I’m baptized, 8 years of catholic school and a metric tonne of church time so don’t at me with religion I promise not to try to change your mind if you can extend the same courtesy to me)
The Lord’s Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come; thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Promise to the Universal Source
We honour source, that which surrounds us and connects us
Source is the sound of Aum that resonates in our hearts
May that sound lead us to loving harmony that we may experience and spread peace and understanding in every moment
As above so below As within so without
We are grateful for the bounty of the earthy and joyously accept its nourishment
We promise to forgive our own weaknesses and imperfections as we forgive them in others
We promise to seek loving-kindness and reject deceitfulness and harm