Which came first anxiety or depression (One Shot Poetry)

my mind, my heart, my soul cry out
LET ME GO

Sitting in the darkness eager for the light
my heart beating a syncopated rhythm
desire to fly overcomes my soul
the shackles of fear keep me tied down
struggling against the status quo
my mind, my heart, my soul cry out
LET ME GO
and I wonder sitting in the darkness
is there even light or just a mirage
heaviness envelopes me
flying seems like it’s a lie
a fantasy sold to me by charlatans
and yet my inner voice screams
LET ME GO
thoughts rattle in the darkness
fears scrape in the shadows
hope, faith, trust cower in the corners
reaching out they try to shine
pain, mistakes, recrimination lurk
my dreams and desires and designs call out
LET ME GO
Trapped inside my head
anxiety begets depression begets
anxiety begets depression ….
the cycle never ending
the only form of flow I know
inside I’m crying out, trying to break free
LET ME GO

Woke up feeling trapped, and just majorly stuck in a cycle of physical and mental health dilemmas and I just want a major change, a way to break free. It feels good to express that feeling with poetry, oddly that feels like at least some progress.

For those that don’t know #oneshotpoetry I write free flow and do not edit what you see is what comes out raw. I do that so that I don’t overthink it or destroy it’s original intent. It’s one way to silence the inner critic and get to the heart of any true feeling.

Full Moon

washing away the old so that I may be freed

Blessed Full Moon

I come to you full, so l may be emptied.

releasing all that no longer serves me

washing away the old so that I may be freed

ready to receive your blessings

Words are whispered beyond my hearing

longing to hear your voice again

I will wait patiently, quietly,

listening for your wisdom

open to all that you have to offer

It was I that abandoned our connection

denied my blood and my soul

I allowed the words of others

to steal my power

to dim my fire

so it is I that begs forgiveness

returning humbled

yet empowered

I wash away the weight

of judgment

of fear

I am renewed

I hear your song

I am home

Rediscovered Poetry – Outside In

and I heard myself think it’s not very good,

From a FB post last year – I almost didn’t share. I am trying to write “a thing” every day. A story, poem, non superficial thoughts, and I heard myself think it’s not very good, felt nearly fear and shame at the thought of people seeing it and realized it’s one of my monsters I need to slay. A story I need to untell…. So I had shared it in my private #thewayofyourinnervoicegroup originally, so now it’s time to be a little less scared and share here. Also I have not written a post in 10 days TEN days…it has been some rough times. Partly because I’ve started to come back to the world and do my work and it’s harder than I imagined. So this is still all I have for now. A rehash but still so relevant

The Scratching the clawing

Fighting to get out

Or in?

Outside in, inside out

Impossible to tell

The voices come

Either way

crawling under the skin

words trapped in between

Heart barely beating

Blood rushing

You’ve been at this door

Pounding screaming

Pleading

So many times before

Crying

Hoping

Dreaming

Door cracks

Light enters

Don’t stop now

It’s finally time to go

Jan 29 2021

Rediscovered Poetry – Come out and Play

This time I am not running away.

From a Facebook post from – Feb 2 2021 in our “The Way of Your Inner Voice” group, this was written during the very first go of “The Artist’s Way”. I think I’ve been here before, but I always panic and re-lock the door. This time I am not running away. I’m still trying to break free, still pushing on that door, battling all the blocks. Here’s what I wrote on the post – I’m remembering now that writing them is easy the work is the sharing. Because at the end of the day that’s what this is all about, being actually seen and heard. What are you holding in that needs to get expressed? Perhaps your Inner Voice is calling to you as well?

Come out and Play – one shot poem written Feb 2021

There is a knocking

Inside my head

At first just a rapping

A gentle tapping

grows more insistent

Each passing day

a sense of wonder

trapped inside a box

Buried under fears

wrapped in layers of shame

it grows louder though

more insistent, consistent

let me out to play

becoming a banging

begging for attention

a chance to spread

its wings

I try to keep it closed

It’s very wild and

Unpredictable

It always wants to play

It isn’t very grown-up

And others say it’s wrong

But if this racket keeps up

My wall, my resolve

may not stay as strong

I wonder what will happen

If I let it out to play

Alexander Milov’s sculpture, Love, appeared in the 2015 Burning Man festival and is so much an image that makes me think of our Inner Voice work and this ongoing struggle to know and let the real and best me out to live, love, work, and most importantly….PLAY!

It was always a lie – song lyrics

If you want to heal your soul
threaten the status quo

TW: I am a recovering catholic. I do not mince words when it comes to the harm that I feel the church inflicted upon me as a child with my parents as willing participants. If you have a love of the church I’d just avoid my blog.

I have come to forgive my parents and some of the people involved in the soul-crushing that occurred to me during my eight years of catholic school and the thousands of hours of guilt-laden, fear-driven, terror-inducing instruction and messages I received in that institution. I am always endeavoring to accept those that still have faith and still support the church, but it isn’t always easy. It’s like watching your friends forgive your abuser and it is not for the faint of heart. I think the church should pay for my therapy and medication that’s how culpable it is in the mental anguish I struggle with every day. I am just now beginning to unravel the damage and I hope someday to scream punk rock versions of my feels. My FAULTY EARTH SUITS band name is ready for the right people to make my punk dreams come true 😀

What a fucking Lie

The church, what a fucking joke
the first in duplicity
saying they are there to save our souls
but their aim is to grind our bones
into the paste of mediocrity
into something safe for them and
their mountains of fear

Don’t think that
Don’t learn that
Don’t feel that
Kill the you that you know

The church, what a fucking hell
the thing that birthed my anger
that rages from the scars and terror
the wounds of words 
at every turn the pain reborn
the way they killed our joy
beating us into the mediocrity of homogeny

Don’t think that
Don’t ask that
Don’t dream that
Erase your individuality

The church what a fucking game
a way to kill your spirit
replace it with a god of lies
the god of men’s control
subjugated to their ways
they’ll grind you down
make you into a paste
to mold into something
knowable, controllable

Don’t think that
Don’t want that
Don’t look at that
Destroy the light within

We’ll take your hopes and dreams
and teach you that you’re wrong
and then we will take your money
and expect your worship in return
God’s plan for you is dead
we killed those parts of you
so we could feel safe
secure and unthreatened.

You traded our joy
for your control
and comfort

Don’t think that
Don’t be that
Don’t become more
How dare you be yourself

If you want to heal your soul
threaten the status quo

woman kneeling in the shadow of a church

Halfway Home – Rediscovered Poetry Break

But like a tap on the shoulder… a whisper in my ear…” just start” ….

From a Facebook post Jan 31st 2021 – Again I almost didn’t write. I wasn’t “in the right headspace” But like a tap on the shoulder… a whisper in my ear…” just start” the rules of the road say I don’t worry about quality…just quantity. And I’ll be honest I felt a little raw…(4 hours of improv class will do that) I was “drained”

but I opened up the page and just wrote… POEM. and well … here is another first draft poem

Halfway Home

There was a poem that as a child felt like home

Halfway down the stairs, it went

Not up or down

Away but here

It wrapped me in understanding

And made me feel less alone

I followed those words

To worlds made real

In chapters of mystery

In rhymes of fantasy

In the magic of fiction

Dreams seemed possible

The world felt welcoming

Each day I’d walk by that step

On the way to school

And I would lift my chin

Leave behind my sacred space

To battle with reality

But that step

It was always there

The words. The words were always there.

I’ve forgotten the words sometimes

But they, they have never forgotten me

An Ode to Mornings – Accidental Poetry

Not necessarily a Disney princess singing to birds type….

Sometimes when I’m doing my Inner Voice Exploration Practice AKA #morningpages Poetry spills out. I’ve spent my whole life being “not a morning person” to the point of almost pride – because owning it was the only way to not let it further damage my self-worth. But the truth is, I’ve always wanted to be one, a morning person. Not necessarily a Disney princess singing to birds type, but at least able to get out of bed not feeling like a zombie and have the drive to do things, any of the things, that I want to do to improve the way I show up in the world. Anywho as I was writing about this struggle the following came out…(I don’t feel it’s my best work, it’s a bit forced but my process means I am committed to acknowledging and sharing my work no matter how I feel about it…it is definitely a PROCESS) I am still working on knowing what experiences are ME and what are byproducts of bipolar mood swings but I’m really hoping that my new found love of my mornings is due to my work and not just some hypomania drive. We will find out over time I guess 😀

Morning breaks creeping slowly across the sky
you toss and turn your back
there is no joy in the sunrise
experience tells us there is pain
and so we being each day the same
broken, beaten, heavy
carrying the weight of yesterdays
and all the yesterdays yet to come
the ghosts of hurt, loss, injustice
cling to your mind and spirit
moving slowly we try to brush them off
some we are afraid to release
the sadness proof of our journey
our scars have begun to define us
this is no way to learn to fly
but we have begun to change
little by painstakingly little
each new dawn another chance
to become something new, ourselves
breathing deep, reaching further down
shake, cry, stretch, release
making mornings sacred healing
we shrug and unburden ourselves
the dark shadows start to fand
we are beginning to look forward
not to yesterdays, but to tomorrows
to now
the power of possibility
begins to rise with the sun
and we are transformed
It’s finally today and today and today
we arise new, open, ready, hopeful
Welcome Morning
what shall we discover today?

Silencer – Rediscovered Poetry

Words that pierced my heart….

This is a “one-shot” poem from Feb. 2021 – I occasionally will go through the process of writing by way of stream of consciousness. No editing except formatting. It’s always interesting to run across them. Sometimes I need to hear what I was feeling. It’s always a bit stunning that you can forget something so deeply. Like, I wouldn’t have even known that I wrote this if I had stumbled across it unlabeled. It’s a pretty deep truth that struggles to stay surfaced. Working on not silencing myself everyday <3

Silencer

Words that pierced my heart

Early

Often

Always sung in melodic harmony

Transfixed

Transformed

Words that Voices Never Shared

No One Dared

Silenced

Like a haunted theme

Of deepest

Fear

Never shared never heard

No one

Listening

Screaming Wailing Reaching

Cried

Begged

Pounding on glass

Muted

Stifled

Finally realizing it was

Always me

Silencing

Always me

Silenced

The only one I needed

Hear me

See me

Heal me

It has always been

Me

Sky Daddy Issues

Slowly but surely I could feel things inside me starting to shift. Long lost (suppressed) dreams and feelings came bubbling up.

OK here’s the background lest those that know me see a prayer in here and wonder if I’ve been body-snatched:
All of this (my therapy, writing, sharing, pursuing my dreams) is finally happening thanks to “The Artist’s Way” by the good witch Julia Cameron. A small group of friends and I, in January 2021, took a leap and started it together. I built a small group on Facebook and Telegram so that we could share our journey. And every week we would get together and discuss our experiences and progress on Zoom. It was a game-changer.

Slowly but surely I could feel things inside me starting to shift. Long lost (suppressed) dreams and feelings came bubbling up. It wasn’t always easy but something about it worked for me. And the personal progress I have made in the last 18months because of it has been nothing short of amazing. And it worked for others in the group too. It’s their story to tell but it was so gratifying seeing others’ dreams blossom as well.

But the whole time I was personally working against a tiny issue. (spoiler alert it’s not tiny at all for me) “GOD”. You see Julia is a believer and I am most decidedly not. I’ve tried to go the route of “it wasn’t god that hurt me it was just humans in the church” but it didn’t take and I just can’t quite get behind the god idea. Make no mistake though the church messed me up good and that was the beginning of my questioning of the sky father but it was not the end of it.

So part of my process to work through TAW (the artist’s way) Was de-deifying the god talk to something palatable for me. Over time I’ve come to even feel that I don’t really work from a place of “source” either. It’s just another word for god, but I did appreciate my effort and figured I’d save it here for posterity’s sake. Maybe I’ll take it one step further and demystify it completely.

You see, I’m seeking a small mantra of affirmation similar to this that is about my state of mind, not something outside of myself. That’s what brought me back to this project. It’s not quite what I want but it’s a nice starting point. I guess this all makes me an atheist but I prefer the term agnostic because I’m not comfortable with the idea of saying “I KNOW” anything for sure. I feel it’s hubris of the highest order to say we know diddly squat for certain. But that’s a whole other Maury.

This is generally where I get all apologetic to believers…but ya know what? If you believe you are totally allowed to, it’s 100% your business and choice but I’m done apologizing for my beliefs. If you are allowed to believe, I’m allowed not to. I choose to live my life as a decent human regardless of possible rewards and punishments and I choose how to treat others based on compassion that is inherent to my being, that is all. What I realized through this work is I wasn’t extending my compassion to myself and I wasn’t allowing myself to BE ME unapologetically, and that was the missing ingredient. (man I can’t stop my tangents) So this is me shedding my shame about being agnostic. No more dancing around it, it’s not a condemnation of believers it’s just who I am.

ANYWHO I give you the non-denominational prayer to source version of the lord’s prayer (pssst I grew up catholic I’ve read the bible, I’m baptized, 8 years of catholic school and a metric tonne of church time so don’t at me with religion I promise not to try to change your mind if you can extend the same courtesy to me)

The Lord’s Prayer

Our Father, who art in heaven,


hallowed be thy name;


thy kingdom come; thy will be done




on earth as it is in heaven.


Give us this day our daily bread;



and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us;


and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Promise to the Universal Source

We honour source, that which surrounds us and connects us

Source is the sound of Aum that resonates in our hearts

May that sound lead us to loving harmony that we may experience and spread peace and understanding in every moment

As above so below
As within so without

We are grateful for the bounty of the earthy and joyously accept its nourishment

We promise to forgive our own weaknesses and imperfections as we forgive them in others

We promise to seek loving-kindness and reject deceitfulness and harm

So Mote it Be

Found Poetry Break – Parental Rights

Just a random poem from the archives

Feb 4 2021· 

Single-Shot Poetry Jam

Thrown Away

You never understood me

Only tried to control me

Pass your fears and

Prejudices

Down

To

Me.

Any sign of who I was

Who I might be

Seen as

Insult

Attack

Never

Just

Me

You took away my agency

Under the guise of

Protecting me

Instead you

Silenced

Stunted

Stifled

Me

I was more than you could allow

Too much to handle

Too loud for a girl

Too confident

It scared you

So you

Scared

Me

You took away my joy

Just so you could

Feel in control

Never caring

Thinking

How you

Took it

Away

From

Me