Which came first anxiety or depression (One Shot Poetry)

my mind, my heart, my soul cry out
LET ME GO

Sitting in the darkness eager for the light
my heart beating a syncopated rhythm
desire to fly overcomes my soul
the shackles of fear keep me tied down
struggling against the status quo
my mind, my heart, my soul cry out
LET ME GO
and I wonder sitting in the darkness
is there even light or just a mirage
heaviness envelopes me
flying seems like it’s a lie
a fantasy sold to me by charlatans
and yet my inner voice screams
LET ME GO
thoughts rattle in the darkness
fears scrape in the shadows
hope, faith, trust cower in the corners
reaching out they try to shine
pain, mistakes, recrimination lurk
my dreams and desires and designs call out
LET ME GO
Trapped inside my head
anxiety begets depression begets
anxiety begets depression ….
the cycle never ending
the only form of flow I know
inside I’m crying out, trying to break free
LET ME GO

Woke up feeling trapped, and just majorly stuck in a cycle of physical and mental health dilemmas and I just want a major change, a way to break free. It feels good to express that feeling with poetry, oddly that feels like at least some progress.

For those that don’t know #oneshotpoetry I write free flow and do not edit what you see is what comes out raw. I do that so that I don’t overthink it or destroy it’s original intent. It’s one way to silence the inner critic and get to the heart of any true feeling.

It was always a lie – song lyrics

If you want to heal your soul
threaten the status quo

TW: I am a recovering catholic. I do not mince words when it comes to the harm that I feel the church inflicted upon me as a child with my parents as willing participants. If you have a love of the church I’d just avoid my blog.

I have come to forgive my parents and some of the people involved in the soul-crushing that occurred to me during my eight years of catholic school and the thousands of hours of guilt-laden, fear-driven, terror-inducing instruction and messages I received in that institution. I am always endeavoring to accept those that still have faith and still support the church, but it isn’t always easy. It’s like watching your friends forgive your abuser and it is not for the faint of heart. I think the church should pay for my therapy and medication that’s how culpable it is in the mental anguish I struggle with every day. I am just now beginning to unravel the damage and I hope someday to scream punk rock versions of my feels. My FAULTY EARTH SUITS band name is ready for the right people to make my punk dreams come true 😀

What a fucking Lie

The church, what a fucking joke
the first in duplicity
saying they are there to save our souls
but their aim is to grind our bones
into the paste of mediocrity
into something safe for them and
their mountains of fear

Don’t think that
Don’t learn that
Don’t feel that
Kill the you that you know

The church, what a fucking hell
the thing that birthed my anger
that rages from the scars and terror
the wounds of words 
at every turn the pain reborn
the way they killed our joy
beating us into the mediocrity of homogeny

Don’t think that
Don’t ask that
Don’t dream that
Erase your individuality

The church what a fucking game
a way to kill your spirit
replace it with a god of lies
the god of men’s control
subjugated to their ways
they’ll grind you down
make you into a paste
to mold into something
knowable, controllable

Don’t think that
Don’t want that
Don’t look at that
Destroy the light within

We’ll take your hopes and dreams
and teach you that you’re wrong
and then we will take your money
and expect your worship in return
God’s plan for you is dead
we killed those parts of you
so we could feel safe
secure and unthreatened.

You traded our joy
for your control
and comfort

Don’t think that
Don’t be that
Don’t become more
How dare you be yourself

If you want to heal your soul
threaten the status quo

woman kneeling in the shadow of a church